20 March 2010

down in the texas of my heart.../...wont you be an outlaw for my love?

drivin' a really big truck
headed down a dirt road
my love is scrunchin' up its features
really big eyes
big lips
big nose

just show me a moment that is mine
its beauty blinding and unsurpassed
make me forget every moment that went by
and left me so half-hearted
cuz i felt it so half-assed

i think i've said before a few times how i sometimes cannot think in my own words if a lot of things are swimming around me like sharks. so sometimes i can better get to the bottom of them if some songs are around.

i had my headphones plugged in to meet up with a bikey chica tonight, and gaaaaaaadammn. things were clickin into place. and that was just cause of a few ani songs/alex chilton passing away.

now i feel its necessary to split my thoughts because i don't really know why i'm thinking of both of these songs at the same time. these feeling things don't always make a lot of sense, ya know?


ani reminds me of college, because that's when the CEBFF and i met and discovered her together. we followed her up and down the east coast & saw some really great shows together.

when life happened and an incident occurred where the CEBFF and i were abruptly no longer BFF [sad face], ani became like a horrible disgusting blistering sunburned wart that would bubble whenever heard. no thanks, i would say.

however, i knew i wasn't being true to myself because, for all the whatever memories, ani is still a fantastic songwriter, and i'm so glad to have seen her when i was 18-2x (x only cause i no memeber the last time i saw her. me thinks 23?)

in particular, i remember the first time i saw her in central park. and she brought tears to my eyes as the sun was fading around the horizon rushing to the west coast. i looked up, saw the stars start to sparkle on the perfectly degreed and clear summer evening while a tear fell down my cheek. this woman and her music moved me so much, i was hooked.

one day recently i revisited her newer songs. my thoughts were, "hmmmmmmmm, if i liked her back when i was younger, chances are strong i will still like ani for her songwriting again..." and yah, i was right.

and between ani the younger and ani the latter comes alex chilton.

alex chilton:

so...alex chiton passed away a couple of days ago. and ever since, this is what i've had in my head:

("how about a cover? how about a cover of a big star song? yah!" -- this is how the live version goes)

back nearly a decade, and certainly a lifetime, ago, the above version of elliott smith's cover of thirteen was our song.

"wont you tell yr dad, get off my back/
tell him what we said about paint it black/
rock & roll is here to stay/...
... wont you tell me what yr thinking of... would you be an outlaw for my love...?"

those last two lines have haunted me more than any other two lines in song lyrics that i have heard so far with my own ears. those two lines, for us, me and the redacted, meant so so so much.

the redacted told me once way in the beginning of all we would be facing, all that shit we would have to put up with from families and from other people. and were we sure we were going to do this? we held hands, swallowed hard and jumped off the cliff together. outlaws indeed.

and now the redacted is gone, and that is ok.
and now alex chilton is gone, and that is ok.

and i just needed to say this. and that is ok.

the connection between ani and alex? i guess just stringing together new memories from older painful times. and new memories are all i care to concentrate on at the moment. being around other positive people, creating more and new positive times.

R.I.P. alex chilton. thank you for bringing your music into the world. thank you for influencing a generation of indie rockers that have carried on your legacy.

and i suppose it's fitting to put those other memories to rest and have them reside in the past where they belong. may they too rest in peace.

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