19 August 2008


the past three weeks have been extremely stressful in various ways. mostly having to do with moving out of my current place and moving in...i have no idea where.

feeling pulled in many ways, i've retreated into myself. it's more comfortable there.

last night i had a grounding conversation with my most sensible-advice-giving friend. she said something i've thought before and have talked about MANY times with someone else. i just haven't really talked about it with friends.

she told me about this conversation she had with someone that "gets" her, the subject of which really struck me at my core. she always seems to know how to calm me down. sure enough, our walk up and down the hills of noe helped not only our asses, but also helped calm my anxiety. then this conversation happened while we watched olympics and drank some white wine. helped set the mood to calm and open.

i can't and wont accurately convey what she said, she was much more eloquent than i feel i can me at the present moment. basically, it goes like this. once you take the time to get to know someone, let someone in, have them let you in, and then maybe something negative externally interferes. you want to walk away with that person knowing you were genuine. that you have a good heart. that you aren't a monster. the outside circumstances may lead that person to think differently. but that is not, never is and never was true. genuine i am.

this sentiment is not extended just for lp/rl (those are ongoing desires i've realized), but rather to a person i feel i wasn't able to support this weekend. i feel just awful about it, but there is nothing i can do about it now. she knows i care deeply about her/her friendship, and i just want her to be happy. she's rather defensive in general and she's hurting, so she may not realize it now. i dont know because she's not calling me back. and that's the thing that pains me. to have her think i wasn't genuine. however, there is only so much i can do, and i feel i've done it. not overextended either because i have my own shit going on. my habitat is threatened, i'm looking for shelter. that is my primary primal concern. why i feel like it makes me a bad friend perhaps only being socialized a female can tell me. no one would tell a man to feel bad that he couldn't be there for his "bro" when he himself is looking for housing. they would say, "naw, dude, it's cool," or something to that effect.

another thing with this anxiety of moving has drastically altered is my appetite. i just now realized i haven't eaten dinner. it's late and time for bed. i'll be famished in the morning, indeed ready to break the fast.

and on that note, good night.

No comments: