21 December 2007

the dark don't hide it

i am fortunate enough to be in tejanolandia today. on my first full day on native soil i joined an eclectic group of women, and went out of the house into the world. i first stopped by my watering hole/food gathering place of choice. from there we picked up another like-minded human (chewing on chicking...boo...and sipping orange soup...yay!) and galloped off to the nearest texican cultural center we could find. (unfortunately) there is only one up here in these parts.

the building, btw, is gorgeous, sunny and a snake travels through its concrete sidewalks to sip water from the lake. the dark definitely don't hide it.

we walked, we looked, we talked, we commented on the styrofoam cups that no cultural center should keep in stock, and we left. we left the green grass, the black rocks, the bluish green agave, the black lake and bright clear blue sky behind. you do know green is the new black, verdad?

then we went to an exhibit entitled, anatomy of melancholy. this exhibit was right up my alley, and my senses were on heightened awareness (a bushism would liken it to red alert) when stepping into the gallery.

then all i saw were things that were either esthetically pleasing to my eye or made the hamsters in my brain run really fast on the wheel inside my head.

and then i heard the woman. shit. she was garishly loud. her voice was unnecessarily raised a few octaves, and she wouldn't stop talking. then i figured out, she didn't know how to stop talking. and most likely she was a guard, so we were confined to the same square room for about 20 minutes. i normally am quite good at tuning people out, but her voice managed to penetrate deep into my skull. i thought i ran away from her into a film screening by the artist, but nope. the two seconds i had of dark and quiet were interrupted by her asking the audience of me and two other people if "[we] got it? cause it took ME awhile, and if it took ME awhile to 'get it' i'm assuming you don't get it either." we were looking at the ending credits to a pseudo film. the words were blurry, not at all in focus. there was music accompanying it. i dunno, do YOU get it? "cause me, i know what i get out of it, but i really want to know what the artist was trying to say, you know?"

anyway, i could go on and on about how this woman was entirely disruptive to my normal gallery experience, but i will just leave it be. i hope to swing by again, hopefully NOT in this woman's presence, and this time look at the things i wanted to review in peace.

so yeah, i really liked this exhibition, despite all the unwanted white noise which accompanied it today. this was the first exhibition, possibly ever, that i really liked 90% of the artist's work. perhaps this is because i, too, can relate to melancholy and the obsessive use of exacto knives and sensational tabloid reading that involve my daily existence. well, ever since i got the exacto knife with awesome grip and padding that is. of course.

hope all is well with you

check, one two, one two. the CT herself is here. it's been awhile, so i have more than a few things to discuss.

sometimes i think i should be wandering around with my camcorder in hand. since i haven't, i can only try to describe the moment in words.

one of the days i was walking to and fro, i passed by a certain great diner. one of possibly the last breakfasts that cost under $4 which will keep you full for most of the day on either coast. believe me, i know. i've looked.

but all of that is besides the point. every time i saunter by, i peek in the permanently smudged windows. i can't help it. i just need to know how they stay in business because this diner is a dying american breed.

the one day in question, i looked in and saw this incredible woman. and i mean it in the true, first description sense of the word according to the merriam webster online dictionary:
"1
: too extraordinary and improbable to be believed incredible claims"

this woman, she had such character in her face. i can guess as to her age, perhaps 70, 58? 45? i don't know, and i never will. i'm going to make an educated guess and say she is prob in her 70s. doesn't matter, does it?

the scene i have burned into the metal of my mind goes as follows:
i walk by slowly, head down, as usual, deep in thought, deeply listening to the lyrics whispering into my ears, enjoying the sounds traversing to my brain and back. i briefly glance into at the aforementioned smudged windows at my diner of choice. i see a woman. she is facing the street, her elbows at either side of her plate of food. her face resembles playdough. her skin is the color of pure bone, not quite white, but not far from it. her facial lines travel from the top of her nose to the edges of her cheeks; from the bottom of her lip lines to the end of her chin. the doughy skin is puffy and swells around each of her natural facial features, with the few striking lines deeply entrenched in thought busily carving a map of decades. her eyes, from what i can tell, are closed. her hands are clasped tightly, fingers intertwined. her mouth is moving, nearly imperceptibly, but i can tell since i've stopped abruptly and turned 3/4ths of the way around. she is saying a prayer. she is thankful for her modestly large meal which costs less than $4, less than 1/2 of hourly minimum wage in one of the richest urban areas in the world.

i watch her start and end the prayer. i don't watch her dive for her food. i don't want her to notice that i've observed an intensely private moment of hers. otherwise, perhaps she wouldn't do something like that again. and that moment should be shared with the world. or at least the passersby of that particular diner of which i hope she frequents. it made me think of me, of what i am thankful for, of whether or not i share that with others and what others must think of the frown lines i've acquired in my few decades here on earth. i'm lucky and am a calitexican, so my lines aren't as pronounced as others i know at my age thanks to melanin, but, to me, her lines were so deserved, so full of life and love. and sharing that moment with her i feel, obviously was very internal, but also makes me feel good to be living in a city where i can capture such fleeting moments. my observation could not have been more than 5 seconds, but has definitely left an impression weeks later. don't think i will forget it anytime soon, if ever.

be thankful for what you have. not for what you don't. since i tend to focus on the latter, the former is my cognitive behavioral therapy in practice advice for the day.

12 December 2007

i was a lover

i was a lover, before this war
held up in a luxury suite, behind a barricaded door
now that I've cleaned up, gone legit
I can see clearly: round hole
round hole, square peg don't fit

I'm locked in my bedroom, so send back the clowns
my clone wears a brown shirt, and I seduce him when there's no one around
mano y mano, on a bed of nails
bring it on like a storm, till I knock the wind out of his sails
And we don't make eye contact, when we have run-in's in town
just a barely polite nod, and nervous stares towards the ground
I once joined a priest class, plastic, inert
in a slowdance with commerce
like a lens up a skirt

And we liked to party
and we kept it live
and we had a three volume tome of contemporary slang
to keep a handle on all this jive

Ennui unbridled, let's talk to kill the time
how many styles did you cycle through before you were mine?
and it's been a while since we went wild and that's all fine
but we're sleepwalking through this trial
and it's really a crime it's really a crime it's really a crime
it's really criminal

We're just busy tempting, like fate's on the nod
running on empty, bourbon and god
it's been a while since we knew the way
and it's been even longer since our plastic priest class
had a goddamned thing to say

I was a lover before this war
--tv on the radio, i was a lover



am currently at a loss for my own words to sort out the puzzled mess in my head. so i have to use the words of others right now.


all that is left is an empty shell
of my heart that is crushed
i don't never wanna see
what my mind has seen
when you loved me
every night, every night alone with you
every night alone now
...
I love you
and I miss you, too
i really do love you
and I really miss you too

but I don't know you
and I don't need you
and I don't want you anymore
...
--cat power, empty shell


funny, upon reading it, depending on the context of the love, it can be either romantic (fully intended i'm sure) or not.

was feeling like molasses earlier, so much so that the brain overpowered itself and shut down for a few hours out of fear of spontaneous combustion.

presently don't really feel any different, only that the immediacy of earlier is over, and now the blank slate is waiting to be filled with words and thoughts that make sense.

this song just came on. both points of view are rather fitting for the moment.

She walked in with sadness in her eyes
I could tell she'd been sleeping with the stars
"Well hello I'm dawn..."
"Yes I've seen you around..."
"I just live down from here..."

She has a dad she doesn't know
Who sends her letters with no return address...
"I don't know his name..."
"He don't know my face..."
"I am better off this way..."

On the weekends I drive her into town
In a car that I borrowed from my mom
She makes hotel beds
Where the sidewalks end
And I wait for her to come home...
Please come home

The one day she finally stops coming around
My best friend said she probably moved out of town
Not a letter was sent...
Not a phone call was made
And I hope she comes back here
Someday

--damien jurado, denton, tx

a girl with a bird she found in the snow

the CT usually feels better when she writes, but she doesn't have the mental energy for a full post right now. her head is in jumbles, swirling round and a round...she will sort out soon enough, by writing. thinking in circles gets one absolutely nowhere...

so she will satiate you with the following video and ichat conversation she had while viewing it for the 2nd time. the song is "boy with a coin" by the new texan sam beam, aka, iron and wine.

"ll: i can see that vid but no sound
looks good
ct: oh
ll: i shall put it on tumblr
ct: yeah, well, i like the song a lot
he's one of my fav artists around right now
and i liked the dancing
tumblr!
he lives just outside of austin
in marble falls
he used to live in florida
i also like the camera angles
like it's giving them the ultimate deference
ll: i was too distracted by their wrist wrotations
ct: and not sexualizing it more unnecessarily
ll: rotations
ct: just letting it speak for itself
ll: yeah
it seems very saturated
like the colors or something
ct: yeah
i like that
ll: not sure how the do that
ct: [photographer friend] takes pics like that
i could ask him
...
her skirt goes wheeeeeeee"

enjoy. it's pretty.

11 December 2007

Re: Itinerary & Hola!

so, we're going to lighten things up a bit, i mean it is the holidays, right?

and in that vein, the CT got an email from someone she does not know. apparently it was supposed to go to someone that shares her initials and last name.

sounds cute, jovial, and lighthearted. just what the doc ordered today. but as a quick aside, when did tango dancing become the new black? its ubiquitousness in this part of california has not escaped me. on that note, have fun in palermo hollywood people! it's one of the 53 best places to go in 2008! you guys are such trendsetters.

the identifying deets have been changed to protect the unknowing:

From: Zimmerman
To: ??, ??@kpmg.com, ??@gmail.com
Re: Itinerary & Hola!

Hola! Z-3 arrived. Z-BA met them at the aeropuerto with an auto.
Ate steak! Drank wine! Napped! Ready to go Tango! Luv Z-4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I dont really know how but somehow we seem to have misplaced your itinerary (again...)

Could you send it to this email address?

Muchos Gracias...

Glad to hear that the location is good! and also that Disney is so closeare you gonna go there? With a pack of Accountants maybe?

Anyway
have fun and dont train too hard.
See you soon!
Love
Paul

---------------------------- Mup's Address -------------------------------

The # of the Apartment is Guatemala 5527. I think its the first one (they are right next to each other). It is between Fitzroy and Humboldt. It is in Palermo Hollywood and the closest subte station is Palermo.

my phone # is 11 6015 9079

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul say's, don't drink the water... Otherwise, Mup is running us ragged and we're having a grand time! See you shortly!

05 December 2007

one chance

We have one chance.
One chance to get everything right.
We have one chance, one chance.
And if we're lucky we might.

My friends, my habits, my family,
they mean so much to me.
I just don't think that it's right.
I've seen so many ships sail in,
just to head back out again and go off sinking.

-- modest mouse, one chance

so, the calitexican woke up to some upsetting news this morning. as she grows older, having been away from her family for going on 11 years, she realizes how much she really misses them at times like these. in the past she thought she, the young texican, was so strong by herself on her journey to being the calitexican she is today. however, in retrospect, she realizes it's ok to need people, it's ok to depend on people, and it's definitely ok to let them know these things. there is only so much one person can do herself (which is quite a bit, i might add).

the calitexican was fortunate enough to spend some good quality time this past thanksgiving with two of her family members. making new happy memories is something the calitexican cherishes a lot. she knows that with the passing of life and the continuation of life, the family still keeps on beating, still keeps on breathing.

with respect to the verses posted up top, the CT doesn't necessarily think that one has to get things right the first time around. in fact, she is a firm believer in second chances. thus, there is a bit of conflicting song lyric interpretation going on in her head. she thinks that isaac means "one chance" at getting life right, but what does that really mean? doesn't life mean making mistakes, learning from the past and moving on? at least that's what this calitexican learned in the past decade of her life. she looks forward to learning more in the next decade, which is rapidly approaching.

she also thinks isaac means that the ships are people continually fucking up, finding they repeatedly have to go back out to sea. since he has some sort of ship theme in this album, perhaps he threw that image in there just for fun. she is going to rule out the possibility that he means humanity keeps fucking up in a larger sense because his past work proves he is very individualistic in nature.

the CT doesn't like to talk about this, but she had a tumultuous relationship with a certain family member. she keeps reminding herself that she made the right decision for her at the time. bottom line is she only hopes that said family member can possibly see her from whatever afterlife they may inhabit and finally know her reasoning for this.

she also feels the need to vocalize that she is trying to steer less ships back and forth herself. but from manning all these boats, in particular an especially mesmerizing one called self- destruction, she would not have learned what she needed to learn. she hopes to leave most of those boats in the past decade of her life. it was a ride...not fun, but unfortunately necessary. she left a lot of people out in the dark, midnight blue waters of its wake without a life preserver. now, she hopes to steer only a couple of boats at a time, and concentrate on the very few of which she is captain. and for those people she left treading water, she can only apologize profusely. more importantly, she knows not to forget those people's memories, or to take for granted their place in her life. she mustmustmust remember, and apply said memory to the next set of issues which life cuddles in the nook of her large elbow, just under her breast.

i guess she feels the need to post today. she did give me permission to say all of this, by the way. i think i'll end it here by paraphrasing something i heard her say in her graduation speech. take a look around you and be very grateful that that person is in your life. decide what that person means to you and let them know how you feel. there may be no tomorrow, so say it today.

04 December 2007

everybody hurts sometimes

usually the song lyrics that make up each post mean something to the post itself. this time, however, it represents an embarrassing confession the calitexican must make. i heard she was feeling under the weather, so i went over to see her, you know, to bring her some soup and tea. (in case you haven't heard, this girl LOVES tea.) and how do i find her? in her bed, in the dark watching my so called life. i just wanted to so call yarf all over her bed, but i thought the smell might be irritating after awhile. i caught her watching the end of the episode (which is on abc.com if you are at all interested), and everybody hurts from R.E.M. was playing. we had a good laugh over how friggin 90s this show is, and then got to some serious business. (quick aside, i do believe that the highway scene from that video is shot in san antonio, tx, but supposed to take place in l.a. how frigging calitexican of R.E.M., huh?)

now that song is stuck in my head and driving me a little nuts...

so the calitexican told me earlier today she was chatting with someone she's only met a couple of times, but would like to get to know a bit more. she feels this person can show her the ways of the geeky side. when she mentioned she likes to make videos, he introduced her to the stage 6 site...

she's familiar with divx through her obsessive heroes watching. she got into the heroes game late, and as a result had to catch some episodes online from far, far away. divx was the format presented in some regions. she thought the quality was pretty fucking outstanding. the most impressive part she found was when she and her lousy internet connection were still able to retain great quality when she fiddled around w/ it and made it full screen. usually when things are full screen and over a crappy connection, badbadbad things happen. not this time. and another thing that impressed her was when she had it in just the browser, it had an option to dim the rest of the computer screen that was not part of the video. now that, my friends, is the work of a real geek. that is something she never knew she wanted, and now pretty much does not want to live without.

back to stage 6. stage 6 is the "youtube" of divx. unfortunately for her, the CT was not able to get online with her beloved rockstar #7 today, but the next time she does, you can bet she will be in full on geek mode, complete with fiddling around with frame rates to make sure you can see her video just as she sees them on her computer.

and, just because i can, i leave you readers with this site (thanks elle). the pictures are gorgeous, artistic and absolutely inspiring. i wish i knew how to take/make pictures like those. perhaps one day i will.